This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
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He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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