It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
