i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
