someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think I sprained my soul last night
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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