I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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