she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
