So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
