I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
