Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize