Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
