I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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