You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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