I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
