i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
