I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
