My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
