Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
