apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
