I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
i think my cat just said my name.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
