Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
