All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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