i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
