Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
