i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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