ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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