it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
