you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
