who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
