She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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