Define "chronic" masturbator.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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