I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
