pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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