Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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