You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
