i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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