worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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