i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
