i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I enjoy the company of your penis
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
