Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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