did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
