If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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