Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
