At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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