I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
