Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i think i scared a bird with my dick
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
