Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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