I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
