Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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