I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
