were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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