After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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