I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
