I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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