Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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