its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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