Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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