already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
