i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
